On baby pigeons with nice jaw lines who carry plastic chairs and exercise on salt-crystal chandeliers

1. The Polish town of Wieliczka is famous for a magnificent 900-year-old salt mine. It used to be one of the world's biggest and most profitable industrial establishments when common salt was commercially the medieval equivalent of today's oil. In the 18th century, parts of the salt mine were excavated and turned into chapels, ballrooms, monuments, and sculpture courts. I visited it a few weeks ago and it’s pretty amazing. Imagine an entire underground ballroom made out of salt -- salt-crystal chandeliers, a chiseled salt-crystal "tile" floor, statues of the Virgin Mary made out of salt, a salt-crystal cavern (which looked like a nice make-out spot if ballroom dancing got old), wall carvings of the Last Supper made out of salt, a salt-crafted ceiling, etc. etc. Quite astounding.

2. Over the past few months, I’ve learned a lot about gender norms in Poland. Specifically, I’ve learned that “women who carry things” is essentially an oxymoron. At my workplace, should I pass by a man while carrying a book, a stack of photocopies, a cup of coffee, or even a fistful of pencils, he never fails to rush to my aid to seize the objects from my delicate little hands. Call it chivalry to the 80th power. In synagogue last week, when we were short on folding chairs, I got up to grab an extra one from the foyer only to have a security guard insist that he carry it instead. “No, really, I’m fine,” I said. “It isn’t at all heavy... right, it’s made out of plastic... yes, I’ve carried a plastic chair before... really, I think I can handle it... no, I won’t hurt myself... yes, yes I’m fine... well, that’s very kind of you but I CAN CARRY A CHAIR BY MYSELF!” I didn’t actually raise my voice but I suppose my “Dziekuje, pana!” (Thank you, Sir) was probably a bit more aggressive than it should have been. At first I thought that this carrying phenomenon was just a result of my small size. I also thought that it was only generated by the male population’s desire to be “manly.” But I soon realized that Polish women are equally averse to the idea of women carrying objects. A few months ago, when a friend of mine (a woman who works for a Human Rights organization) was royally offended after a man asked her to carry a plastic chair, I realized that sexism swing both ways.

“What’s the problem?” I asked.
“He should not have asked me to carry that chair. It’s completely disrespectful.”
“But you weren’t busy, were you? And a plastic chair isn’t so heavy, right? Maybe he just wanted you to be helpful.”
“Jordan,” she replied, “Let me explain something to you. Right now you are not in the United States. Right now you are in Poland. And in Poland, women do not carry plastic chairs. That’s a man’s job, not a woman’s. It’s plain and simple.”

I considered the matter closed.

3. Last night I had dinner with my friend, Renee. After dinner, we had a lovely time watching Olympic Ladies' Figure Skating. During the commercial breaks, we had an Olympics of our own; we exercised. Indeed, in between watching women skate around in outfits that “are meant for street walkers” (in Renee’s words), I was drilled to exhaustion by a woman approaching 90. There we were doing leg lifts, hip swirls, shoulder rotations, and arm circles on the floor of a tiny apartment as Renee shouted “One, two, three, four... Come on, Jordan, put a little umph into it! You’re a healthy young woman! Punch the air like you mean it!” I suppose exercise is all about releasing pent-up aggression; at least for some of us. I, however, just couldn't find the root of my anger to punch the air with as much umph as my wise elder. Perhaps anger increases with age. Perhaps I just need to do more living.

4. I’ve recently learned that Polish pigeons have babies in the winter time. More significantly, they have babies on the balcony of an apartment in which I frequently dwell. Are Polish pigeons drawn to strong-willed women who make art and teach yoga? This is worth investigating.

5. I have a new “job” teaching English. I’m helping two of my friends pass an English proficiency exam. Since they’re not the most studious bunch, we needed to come up with a creative learning experience that would prove to be both effective and sustainable. So, every Monday at 7pm (and sometimes on Wednesdays, too) we meet at the Green Goose Pub. Upon meeting there, we fulfill the following 3 criteria:

- Drink beer.
- Speak only in English (all subject matter is fair game)
- Repeat any sentence with a grammatical or structural problem while the
listeners take a sip of beer.

Indeed, I’ve turned ESL into a drinking game.

Here’s just a small fragment of our “language lesson.”

“Jordan, can I ask you a question?”
“Yes, you may. You may ask me a question.”
“Right, may I ask you a question. The question is, would you go to bed with a person which—
“A person who.”
“Right, a person who. Would you go to bed with a person who was not very clever, but had a nice-- (she traces her jaw line)
“Jaw line?”
“Yes, jaw line. How do you spell that?”
“J-A-W L-I-N-E. Jaw line. I’ll write it down for you.”
“Okay, so would you go to bed with a person who was not very clever but had a nice jaw line.”
“Well, what do you mean by ‘not very clever?’”
“What I mean is that he is a person without nothing.”
“A person without anything. You cannot use a double negative in English.”
“Okay. He is a person without anything. He does not have a degree. He is not educated.”
“I see. But is this person curious? Does he think about the world? Does he have special skills or interests? There are plenty of people who do not have a degree but are, in fact, quite clever. Some are brilliant, actually. There are also plenty of people who have several degrees and are incredibly unintelligent.”
“You’re thinking too deep about this.”
“Deeply. I am thinking too deeply. It’s an adverb.”
“Right, deeply. You’re thinking too deeply about this. Just answer the question. Would you or would you not go to bed with someone who you did not think was very clever but who had a nice—
“—Jaw line. Well, if all that this person had going for him was a nice jaw line, then no, I don’t think I would go to bed with him.”
“Oh.”
“But now let me ask you some questions. I am going to make the assumption that there is someone in your life who has a nice jaw line but who is not particularly clever. And presently, you’re trying to decide whether or not you should go to bed with him. Am I right?”
“Yes, you’re right.”
“Okay, so here are my questions. In addition to having a nice jaw line, is he kind?
“Yes.”
“Is he funny?”
“I suppose.”
“Does he make you feel valued?”
“What?"
“Does he respect you? Does he accept you for who you are? Does he make you feel good about yourself?”
“Jordan, are you a psychologist? Or maybe the right word is ‘psychiatrist’... what’s the difference anyway?”
“A psychologist provides counseling and therapy. A psychiatrist is a licensed physician who specializes in diagnosing mental or emotional disorders and may proscribe medication. And, no, I am neither a psychologist nor a psychiatrist. I’m just trying to learn more about this supposedly not-so-clever person who has a nice jaw line.”
“I understand.”
“Now answer the question.”
"Yes, he makes me feel good about myself.”
“Good, that’s important. Does he take your breath away?”
“You mean causes me not to breathe? Like suffocate?!
Like when he kisses me?”
“No, not literally. It’s an expression. If someone takes your breath away it means that you are so powerfully affected by his or her presence that it is as if you cannot breathe. It’s a good thing. There’s a song called ‘Take My Breath Away.’ It was on the top of the charts in the '80s. I think it's by Berlin. Perhaps I’ll play it for you some time. It has some nice rhyming schemes -- watching every motion... on this endless ocean... haunted by the notion.”
“So your question is: does he take my breath away?”
“Precisely.”
“Well, maybe. Maybe he takes my breath away.”
“Let me know when you figure out if he does.”
“Okay, I will. Let’s talk about something else.”
“Fine. What should we talk about?”
“Let’s talk about... (points to the pretzels).”
“Pretzels?”
“Yes, pretzels. I would like to talk about pretzels.”
“Great. I would like to talk about pretzels, too. You start.”
“How many different shapes of pretzels are there in the United States?”
“Well, there are twists, sticks, nuggets—
"Nuggets? What are those?”
“They look like this: (I draw a picture).”
“I see. And how do you spell nugget?”
“N-U-G-G-E-T. Nugget.”